A letter to my baby in Heaven this Christmas

My sweet angel. Your smiling face looks so beautiful on top of our tree. I know that you are watching over us up there. But I so selfishly wish that you were spending your first Christmas here with us. This is not how it was supposed to be. This sucks. Going through this time of year without you here sucks. Everyone around us seems so happy celebrating and I can't even begin to enjoy any of it. How am I supposed to enjoy anything without you here?

All I can think about is all the many "firsts" we were supposed to experience together in this season. I see all the other parents taking their kids to see Santa. I was so excited to take you. I had already picked out the outfit you were going to wear. Most parents hope to get one of those classic pictures of their kid crying while they sat on Santa's lap. I doubt I would have gotten one of those. You wouldn’t have cared that some strange old man was holding you.  You loved everyone you met. I know you would've had that big gummy smile on your face like you always did. Or maybe you would've had a little tooth pop through by now.

I couldn't wait for all the walks we were going to take around the neighborhood to look at all the Christmas lights. You loved going on walks in your stroller and I couldn't wait to see the look of awe in your eyes as you looked around at all the lights. You loved being outside and always looked around with such sweet wonder in your eyes, taking in the world around you. That last Friday morning that we spent together we had some extra time before needed to leave to drop you off at daycare so we walked outside to check the mail. I remember so clearly how you were just looking around at all of the houses on our street, taking it all in as I held you there on my hip. That was one of the last things we did together. I haven’t been to check the mail since. It has been overflowing with cards for you these days, but I have to send your daddy to get them.

We've started getting Christmas cards in the mail too. I normally look forward to seeing everyone’s cards, but now it feels like another reminder that everyone else around us is still going about life as normal, while I struggle to figure out how my life will ever feel normal again. As I look at everyone’s pictures it hurts me to think that our family won’t ever have a complete family Christmas picture. On our card last year we were proudly posing with your ultrasound pictures and underneath I wrote "Baby Ferguson coming May 30, 2021". We were supposed to get your pictures taken for this year's card the weekend this whole nightmare began. I had the most precious outfit picked out for that too. Your daddy would’ve hated it 😂 But I think you would’ve looked absolutely adorable. You never got to wear it though. Instead of dressing up for Christmas pictures or attending our last football game of the season, we spent that weekend at the hospital.

I had already bought your Christmas presents since everyone has been talking about "toy shortages" and ongoing "supply chain issues" due to the pandemic. I couldn't wait to see how happy you were going to be in your Fisher Price Jumperoo on Christmas morning. I wanted so badly to let you have it early just because I couldn't wait to see the excitement on your face and hear your sweet little giggle as you bounced up and down in it. But I was making myself wait so you'd have a surprise on Christmas morning.

I also got you a new big boy bath seat since you were starting to outgrow your baby one. Bath time was easily your favorite part of the day. As soon as you got in the water out came these crazy bursts of energy. You would kick your legs and wave your arms all over the place, splashing everything around you. By the end of bath time you would have soaked everything in your range, including me. You thought it was hilarious. 

And I got you the most adorable little snow suit to wear on our family ski trip this winter. I couldn't wait to see how cute you were going to look all bundled up in it. I would've taken your picture in it and tagged Patagonia on social media in hopes that they would see it and offer you a modeling gig. 

I'm starting to hate it when people ask me what I want. I want my baby back. I can't believe its been a month since I last held you in my arms. It feels like its been an eternity already. I can't explain this empty feeling that I have in my arms and in my heart. I ache all over from the pain of missing you. At times it feels unbearable. I'd give anything to hear that sweet little laugh of yours, to feel you pull my hair, wear clothes covered in your spit up, or even change one of those explosive blowout diapers you were notorious for. Life isn't the same without you here. The joy you brought me along with everyone else around you was unmatchable. There isn’t anyone or anything that will ever replace that. We love you so much JJ. Keep watching over us up there.💙