Reflecting on a year ago today
This time last year I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of a sweet baby boy. I was done with work and officially on maternity leave. The nursery was ready - fully stocked with everything we could need. My due date had come and gone. But still no baby. I spent my days sitting at home bouncing up and down on a yoga ball for hours on end. Anxiously waiting for something to happen. I ate all the spicy food. Walked all the curbs around the neighborhood. I tried everything I could think of. Little did I know I still had a week left of waiting for this baby that had no intentions of coming out on his own.
I had no idea how much my life was about to change - in the best way possible. I also had no idea how much it would change again five months later - in the worst way possible.
Its been six months now since the day that it felt like my world stopped spinning. I'm not sure how I've made it this long without you, but somehow the days keep coming and going whether I want them to or not. Most days I feel like I'm less "surviving" and more just "existing" in a world that feels very unfamiliar to me.
I spend a lot of time wondering what you would be like if you were still here today. I try to picture what you would look like but its so hard for me to picture you as anything other than my chubby-cheeked, bald-headed, five month old baby. I do, however, think I have a pretty good idea of what your personality would be like. I feel certain you would be all over the place and getting into everything. Sharon described it best (no surprise because other than your family, she is the person who spent the most time with you and knows you best!) She said you would be walking (or running) around getting into everything, and then when we catch you doing something you shouldn't be, you would flash that big infectious smile at us and it would be impossible for us to get on you. 😅 You would definitely know how to work that to your advantage!
Your first birthday is quickly approaching. Surprisingly I am not dreading it as much as I thought I would. I decided early on that I wanted to plan some sort of event to celebrate you and hosting a 5K in your honor felt like the perfect fit for our little runner. I have been able to keep myself busy focusing all of my attention on planning your big day. Everything is coming together perfectly. It is going to be quite the turnout! My initial goal was to get 100 people signed up for our first year. This week we broke 200. 😳 I can't believe we have that many people signed up to be a part of this. But it just goes to show how many lives you impacted in your short time here on Earth.
I want to share a realization I came to recently. I love it when people ask me questions about you, and one of the most common questions I get asked is "what is your favorite memory you have with JJ?" I never know how to answer this question because there are too many to choose from. I can't begin to pick just one. We did so many fun things together. From going to the beach, the pool, all the Carolina football games, the Cooper River run, the State Fair, the pumpkin patch, trick-or-treating, to all the little things in between. Every second spent with you was a gift. Though your time here with us was short, we packed a lot into those five months we spent together. And I can’t help but think how lucky I am to be able to say that I have so many great memories with you, I can't possibly pick just one.
So naturally, with the summer coming, I am dreading all the thoughts and flashbacks that are to come about how different my life was a year ago. I will constantly be thinking about all of the fun times we had together and desperately wishing we were doing the same things again this year. But at the same time, I will remind myself to cling to all of the memories we do have together, and to be thankful for them. 💙
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