One year later

 Dear JJ,

I did it. I’ve survived a whole year without you. Even though I don't have you physically here with me, I still feel your presence so close around me all the time. That is the only thing that has gotten me through the past year.

Looking back the last 365 days all feel like a blur. I made it through all of the firsts. I dreaded each one in the days leading up to it, but each time you sent me some kind of sign to let me know that you were right there with me. 

A lot has changed since this time last year. Your little sister was born just two weeks ago. Right in the same hospital where we had to say goodbye to you a year ago.

I was shocked to find out it was a little sister that you had chosen for us. But your daddy swore he knew it from day one. 

When I first found out I was pregnant again I struggled so much to form any connection with this new baby growing inside of me. I couldn’t feel excited about the arrival of someone new when all I wanted was to have YOU back. Your dad and I also pondered so deeply how we could ever love another baby as much as we loved you. I imagine this is a normal feeling that all parents grapple with when they learn they are expecting a new child, but that feeling is multiplied when you have lost a child. Some very good friends we have met, Pete and Katie - who are walking this same tough road we are, were the first to tell us that meeting your sibling would be the next closest thing we’ll ever get to meeting you again. They were the first to point out to us that we would see so much of you in your little sibling. I’ll never forget how instantly comforted I felt hearing that. 

Fast forward 9 months later and I now see how true those words are. I catch little glimpses of you as I sit and look at her face. The two of you are so alike yet so different. Your noses and your lips are identical. But unlike you, she has a head full of hair 😂 She doesn't quite seem to be as laid back and easy-going as you - she already seems to be very opinionated and has a strong personality. I just laugh and think to myself that you made her this way to keep us on our toes. 

Now that I am here - 365 days later - I’m reflecting on how much I've changed in the past year. I'm not the same person I was before you left. With you went so much of me. But I'm still here. Still standing. I’ve come a long way from that dark place I started in. SLOWLY, very slowly, but surely I’ve been able to let the light creep back in. I’ve learned that grief and joy can coexist. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.  I acknowledge my grief because it is a reminder that you were here and our time together was real. My grief is real because my love for you is real. But I am also learning how to continue to live my life without you physically here. I can have room for both my sorrow and my joy. 

A year ago at Thanksgiving I couldn’t find a single thing to feel thankful for. Now, a year later, while the pain of losing you isn’t any less, I am still able to find things to feel thankful for. Thankful that I am your mom. Thankful for the gift of new life in your little sister. Thankful for you. Thankful for her. Thankful that this pain of being here without you is only temporary and thankful that one day our family will be complete together in heaven. 

Our grief remains. Our love grows.