A different kind of Christmas

Well, we did it buddy. We made it through your first Christmas.  Even though we didn't have you here physically, I know you were with us. 

It looked absolutely nothing like what I had imagined for my baby's first Christmas. I always dreamed of getting to stay up late on Christmas Eve playing "Santa" with your dad. I couldn't wait to spend Christmas morning together in our home as a family. But our house feels so empty now without you in it. So we went back to the beach for Christmas and spent time with our families. It is important for us to remember that we have each other to lean on for support during this difficult season.

The week before Christmas Mrs. Sharon and your friends at daycare had their Christmas party. Mrs. Sharon made sure to include you in every part of it. Your picture sat on the table while they decorated their gingerbread house and ate their snacks. Then they hung your ornament on the tree and sat by it while they exchanged their gifts. They even had a group hug for you and Zarah was sure to give you a kiss on the cheek as well. It warms my heart to know how much they all loved you and Sharon is doing an absolutely amazing job making sure that they remember their "baby JJ." You were such a special part of their crew and I know they miss you terribly. 

There were a lot of our usual Christmas traditions that we skipped this year. Simply because I just don’t feel like anything is worth celebrating without you here. We didn’t go to any of the Christmas parties our friends invited us to. We skipped the annual Alston family gift exchange. We couldn’t bring ourselves to be at Donk’s church for the Christmas Eve service, so we missed being on stage to light the advent candle with the rest of the family. 

Probably the biggest tradition that we didn’t take part in this year was wearing our matching family pajamas on Christmas Day. There was just no way I could do it. I had picked out our pajamas for this year back in September. Everyone had them - us, your grandparents, aunt Tori, even the dogs. But there was no way I was wearing those pajamas without you being here to wear yours with us. Along with this came the sting of social media that cut extra deep that day. Opening the apps and seeing the pictures of everyone smiling with their whole family together, so many of them dressed in their matching Christmas pajamas. That should have been us. I still feel really angry at times. It’s just not fair. I can’t believe I never got to experience a single Christmas with you. Not even one. God, why couldn’t we have had just a little more time?

Even though we didn't get that, I want you to know that you were (and always will be) very much a part of our family's Christmas. You have your own ornaments that hang on our the tree. We have several with pictures of you, and your BB also got you a Charlie Brown one and a Jack Jack one. These ornaments hold extra meaning to us, and each year as we get them out and hang them on our tree we will remember you and talk about you. 

Your stocking was on the mantle, and BB made sure it was filled along with everyone else’s. It was full of things that I wish so badly you were here to use and play with. We opened it Christmas morning along with our stockings. This year you got some teething toys, a rattle, and some baby shampoo & body wash. We are going to donate the items in your stocking to a little boy very close to your age. This is a new tradition that we will keep going every year in your honor. Maybe by next year I will feel up to helping choose the items to go in your stocking. This year I couldn’t do it. The pain is still too raw. I actually go out of my way to avoid the baby section when I go into stores right now. But I do hope that with time - as I heal - there will be years where I look forward to going to pick out items for your stocking. With each passing year I will dream of the little boy you would be becoming - what you would like and what things you would be into if you were still here. 

So we did it. We made it through. And I have to say, I’m so glad it’s over. Everyone says the first year is the hardest, and that each year it will get a little bit easier. But no matter what, I don’t think Christmas will ever be the same for us. Nothing will ever be the same without you here. The world is a much lesser place without you in it. But we will continue to try to carry on, for you. And we will continue to do everything we can to remember you and bring honor to your name.