New Year, wishing you were here

 Dear JJ,

It's hard to believe its been almost two months since you've been gone. To me it feels like it's been so much longer. I miss you more and more with each passing day. Your scent. Your soft skin. Your squishy cheeks. Your big contagious smile. Your laugh. I miss every little thing about you. 

We made it through the holidays and now here we are in a new year .... without you. Most people usually think of the new year as an opportunity for a fresh new start and look forward to new beginnings. But its hard for me to be excited about going into a new year that you'll never be a part of. Even though the end of 2021 contained some of the hardest days of my life, I think I will always look back on 2021 as my favorite year because it included the 5 perfect months that I got to spend with you. 

Your daddy and I finally were brave enough to face the daunting task of going back to work this week. This is something I have been dreading but I knew I had to face it at some point. I suppose it is good to be back in a "routine" but my day to day routine looks so much different now. I miss the way things were before.

I miss our crazy, hectic morning routine. It used to be my least favorite part of the day. I hated having to wake up at 5 a.m. (I'm not a morning person at all). I used to stress so much over getting both of us up, dressed, and out of the door on time. I had a pretty good routine down and if everything went according to my plan I could pull it off. But every now and then you liked to throw me a curveball by spitting up all over my clean black scrubs or blowing out your diaper and needing a full outfit change right before it was time to leave. By the time I got to work I usually felt like I had completed a marathon and it was only 7:30. But as much as I dreaded those hectic mornings, I miss them.

I miss coming home from work to see your sweet smiling face. I miss walking in the door to see you and your daddy chilling on the chair watching TV.  Then he would leave to go to the gym and we'd get to spend some time together - either going for a walk around the neighborhood or just cuddling on the couch. After that it would be time to make dinner. And by the time we were done eating it was time to start your nighttime routine - bath, bottle, and then putting you to bed. 

the best view to come home from work to😍

the sweetest after work cuddles💗

The days were long and I felt like I lived in a constant state of exhaustion. I used to joke about how I never realized how much free time I had before having a baby. Once you came along I felt like we lived in a constant state of go, go, go and it seemed like I never had a free moment to myself to just sit and relax and do nothing. Now here I am with all the free time in the world and I so badly miss having someone who needed all my time and attention.

I'm working on finding things to occupy my newfound free time. Your daddy and I have been doing a lot of running for you. Together we agreed that running would be a great way to honor you because it was obviously something you loved - you may not have gotten to take your first step but there was no doubt that you loved running. Those little legs were always going! We usually try to run at least one mile each day for you. Not only does this help me get my exercise in, it also gets me outside and helps me clear my mind which is an added bonus.

While I still have mixed feelings about being in a new year without you, I know that you are never far from me. I know that you are with me in everything that I do and knowing that is what gives me the strength to carry on. Everything I do is for you. And I've got some big things planned for you this year buddy. 💙

Love you always,

-Your mommy

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