Living my life to honor yours

 Dear JJ, 

You'd be nine months old today. It's so hard for me to wrap my mind around that. I can't even imagine you as nine months old. In my mind you'll forever be my sweet little five month old baby.  Nine months seems like such a big milestone to me. I was thinking about how a lot of moms post those "9 months in vs. 9 months out" comparison pics. Its crazy for me to think that I carried you longer on the inside than I got to on the outside. 

Life has been pretty quiet and uneventful for us these first few months of the new year. We went on a couple of ski trips. And as hard as it is for me to admit it, we did have fun. It doesn't feel right for me to enjoy myself without you here. But I know you would want your mommy and daddy to be happy. 

I have been keeping myself busy by working on some different ways to honor your memory. We are collecting children's books to create a little library in your name at our church. This was your BB's idea. We have been blown away by the amount of support for that. We opened one box of books that was donated and this was on top.

I know that was a sign from you. 👼

I also designed keychains with your name and footprints on them. My idea is that friends and family will carry these around with them, so it's like they take a little piece of you everywhere they go. There were so many places we dreamed of taking you and things we wanted you to experience but we were robbed of those opportunities when your time here with us was cut short. These keychains bring me comfort because it makes me feel like you are still a part of this world and you are still getting to experience all of the things that I dreamed you would. So far we've already had friends send us pictures from Disney World, New York City, and even Mexico. I'm looking forward to seeing all of the cool places you get to visit!


Your dad and I are still keeping up with our running for you. He spontaneously decided to register for a half marathon for you the other night. 😳 I was not feeling as ambitious, but I will be doing the 5K with your name on my bib. We have had several of our friends get into running for you as well, which makes me so happy. A few people have even registered for other races in your honor! 

We have the Cooper River Run coming up in about a month. This race in particular is extra meaningful to us because you were here to do it with us last September. We decided early on that this will be something we continue to do in your honor every year now going forward. Last year I wanted to try to run the race but I was only three months postpartum and there just wasn’t enough time for me to train. Looking back and knowing what I know now, I’m so glad I got to have the experience of walking the race with you, pushing you in your stroller (and carrying you for a little bit when you wanted to get out and look around). Those are memories I will cherish forever. This year I am committed to running all six miles for you. It's gonna be tough - especially that one mile going up the bridge - but I know you will be with me every step of the way. I am not ready for the wave of emotions that is going to hit when I cross the finish line.

That little fist up in the air saying "Let's do this!"

Had to get out of the stroller and look around while we were up on the bridge

Proudly showing off the medal you earned for finishing the race

I am working on something big for your first birthday. I haven't shared much about that yet because we are still trying to nail down some of the details. Just know that it will be a big celebration because you deserve nothing less. 

I still miss you so much JJ. Every second of every day. I will never not miss you. I have come to accept the fact that my grief will never end because my love for you will never end. As time goes on it doesn't get any easier, I just get better at learning to live with it. I have learned that my grief and happiness can coexist. I am able to find happiness in certain moments now, but that happiness will always be accompanied by sadness because you are not here to experience those moments with me. This is my reality. It is not what I wanted, but it is the price I pay for loving you. And you are worth it all baby.


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