Letters to JJ

  Dear JJ, I did it. I’ve survived a whole year without you. Even though I don't have  you physically here with me, I still feel your presence so close around me all the time. That is the only thing that has gotten me through the past year. Looking back the last 365 days all feel like a blur.  I made it through all of the firsts. I dreaded each one in the days leading up to it, but each time you sent me some kind of sign to let me know that you were right there with me.  A lot has changed since this time last year. Your little sister was born just two weeks ago. Right in the same hospital where we had to say goodbye to you a year ago. I was shocked to find out it was a little  sister  that you had chosen for us. But your daddy swore he knew it from day one.  When I first found out I was pregnant again I struggled so much to form any connection with this new baby growing inside of me. I couldn’t feel excited about the arrival of someone new when all I wanted was to have YOU back. Yo

This time last year I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of a sweet baby boy. I was done with work and officially on maternity leave. The nursery was ready - fully stocked with everything we could need. My due date had come and gone. But still no baby. I spent my days sitting at home bouncing up and down on a yoga ball for hours on end. Anxiously waiting for something to happen. I ate all the spicy food. Walked all the curbs around the neighborhood. I tried everything I could think of. Little did I know I still had a week left of waiting for this baby that had no intentions of coming out on his own. June 1, 2021 I had no idea how much my life was about to change - in the best way possible. I also had no idea how much it would change again five months later - in the worst way possible.  Its been six months now since the day that it felt like my world stopped spinning. I'm not sure how I've made it this long without you, but somehow the days keep coming and going whether I want t

 Dear JJ,  You'd be nine months old today. It's so hard for me to wrap my mind around that. I can't even imagine you as nine months old. In my mind you'll forever be my sweet little five month old baby.  Nine months seems like such a big milestone to me. I was thinking about how a lot of moms post those "9 months in vs. 9 months out" comparison pics. Its crazy for me to think that I carried you longer on the inside than I got to on the outside.  Life has been pretty quiet and uneventful for us these first few months of the new year. We went on a couple of ski trips. And as hard as it is for me to admit it, we did have fun. It doesn't feel right for me to enjoy myself without you here. But I know you would want your mommy and daddy to be happy.  I have been keeping myself busy by working on some different ways to honor your memory. We are collecting children's books to create a little library in your name at our church. This was your BB's idea. We h

 Dear JJ, It's hard to believe its been almost two months since you've been gone. To me it feels like it's been so much longer. I miss you more and more with each passing day. Your scent. Your soft skin. Your squishy cheeks. Your big contagious smile. Your laugh. I miss every little thing about you.  We made it through the holidays and now here we are in a new year .... without you. Most people usually think of the new year as an opportunity for a fresh new start and look forward to new beginnings. But its hard for me to be excited about going into a new year that you'll never be a part of. Even though the end of 2021 contained some of the hardest days of my life, I think I will always look back on 2021 as my favorite year because it included the 5 perfect months that I got to spend with you.  Your daddy and I finally were brave enough to face the daunting task of going back to work this week. This is something I have been dreading but I knew I had to face it at some po

Well, we did it buddy. We made it through your first Christmas.  Even though we didn't have you here physically, I know you were with us.  It looked absolutely nothing like what I had imagined for my baby's first Christmas. I always dreamed of getting to stay up late on Christmas Eve playing "Santa" with your dad. I couldn't wait to spend Christmas morning together in our home as a family. But our house feels so empty now without you in it. So we went back to the beach for Christmas and spent time with our families. It is important for us to remember that we have each other to lean on for support during this difficult season. The week before Christmas Mrs. Sharon and your friends at daycare had their Christmas party. Mrs. Sharon made sure to include you in every part of it. Your picture sat on the table while they decorated their gingerbread house and ate their snacks. Then they hung your ornament on the tree and sat by it while they exchanged their gifts. They ev

My sweet angel. Your smiling face looks so beautiful on top of our tree. I know that you are watching over us up there. But I so selfishly wish that you were spending your first Christmas here with us. This is not how it was supposed to be. This sucks. Going through this time of year without you here sucks. Everyone around us seems so happy celebrating and I can't even begin to enjoy any of it. How am I supposed to enjoy anything without you here? All I can think about is all the many "firsts" we were supposed to experience together in this season. I see all the other parents taking their kids to see Santa. I was so excited to take you. I had already picked out the outfit you were going to wear. Most parents hope to get one of those classic pictures of their kid crying while they sat on Santa's lap. I doubt I would have gotten one of those. You wouldn’t have cared that some strange old man was holding you.  You loved everyone you met. I know you would've had that